Joe Talks To Jesus

Joe: Hey, Jesus

Jesus: Hey, man. Whatsup?

Joe: Not me, dude. Not me. It’s tough here in Maine right now. I feel like these people all hate me. I get angry stares pretty much everywhere I go.

Jesus: Yeah.

Joe: I’ve been shit on in pretty much every business I’ve gone to in Portland, and, really, in Maine. It sucks.

Jesus: Yeah.

Joe: I feel like I’m being persecuted for my radical but truthful ideas and speechifying.

Jesus: Shit. That does suck.

Joe: I mean, not one person has said “thanks.” Not one. No comments on my blog. No phone calls. No emails. Nothing. Not one person on the planet Earth has said “Thanks, Joe.” It hurts. You know?

Jesus: Yeah.

Joe: Shit, Jesus. I’m sick of whining about myself. How you doin?

Jesus: I’m OK. Wish my cell got better reception up here, but, hey, I had a good run. I’m proud of it.

Joe: Did you ever get lonely, Jesus? Tired? Scared?

Jesus: Yes. Yes. And yes. And I had IBS. Ever hear of that?

Joe: Hold the fuck up, Jeez. YOU, the lord’s only son, had IBS?

Jesus: I did. And getting quality TP in the Year 25 is a fucking bitch, bro. A total bitch. But I managed. Stuck my finger up my butt to loosen things up. Worked like a charm. I also took a deep breath before I unleashed hell in the bathroom. That worked well, too. The Disciples were jealous of my bathroom skills. I think they may have even put a camera in there to learn. But I figured, so what? who cares?

Joe: For real? In. The. Bathroom?

Jesus: Shit yeah, man. And they learned how to go to the bathroom from a real pro. I’m proud of that. Ashamed, but proud at the same time. Does that make sense?

Joe: None at all. So, were you a virgin, Lord?

Jesus: You think Jesus didn’t get chicks? Fuck you.

Joe: Sorry, man. Just hard to picture. Jesus cruising chicks. Man, that’s a mindblower.

Jesus: Jesus don’t fart around. Jesus bad. Bad. I snapped my fingers, the music started playing, and the chicks’d come runnin’. Every fucking time, man. I had more pussy than an NBA point guard. You kidding me?

Joe: Mind. Blowing. Ok, a question I’ve wanted to ask you all my life: Were you funny?

Jesus: I was fucking hilarious. I could tell a story like nobody else. Made most of the stuff up. On the spot. I was pretty good in those days. They wanted to make a movie about me, but I got fucked in development. Speilberg. Jewboy wanted EVERYTHING on a silver platter.

end Part 1. turn blog over to hear other side.